It is Well by Bethel

Through it all, through it all My eyes are on You Lord Through it all, through it all It is well with me

Older doesn't equal wiser?

Wow. I've neglected you blog. What has changed in these last 3 years? A lot.

1) Career Orientated. I don't know why but I've become so work focused and driven. They say that whatever a person talks about the most, that is the god of their life. Oh I hope that isn't totally true. Last night was a nightmare night. You know, the type where you're half awake and half asleep. It was about the students lol. So you can see how work haunts me even when I'm unconscious LOL. I swore I would never be this type of person and look where I am. It's funny how you work to climb the ladder and to make more money but the more time you spend at a place, the more trust is put into your hands. Somehow you're just expected to produce results and while I am blessed with favour from the bosses, it doesn't come without hindrance. I also want to be an expert at my craft; I want to be a blessing to my students. Lord it's hard to release a grip on these aspects while wanting to strive for excellence at the same time.

2) CSC. Yes, I'm still at CSC. It's my home. It's weird looking back at my life, I've strived hard to be different but I have always tried to please those around me at the same time. It's funny how I've let so many people influence my life--some in good ways and some in bad. I think I've listened too much to people wanting approval so I let everyone dictate my actions.
My circle of counsel has definitely decreased in size these last few years and this is a good thing. I'm so thankful for the Godly people I have directing my life and praying for me. I've learned to not listen to every voice that directs me. Setting up shop at a new church hasn't been easy but this is something I did for my relationship with Him. Those that are still around and have supported me get it and they continue to spur me towards Him. The rest have lost their influence with me but yet they're nowhere to be found today. I didn't find a new home for my influencers or for their approval. This was me just stepping out and doing what I had to do and it has been a turning point for me.

3) Close call. It's been a blessing having Dad back in Calgary. I know we have a very estranged relationship but God has allowed all the hardships he experienced last year with his health to happen to bring my family closer together. I hate the hurt he experienced physically; it killed me to see him that way. Praise Jesus for healing my father. I think I feel like our relationship is how it was back when I was a kid. It's not perfect but it's probably the most he's trusted me in a long time and that's only something a trial can create --it can't be forced or fabricated.

4) Health. The above situation has helped me focus a little more on making better choices in my life. Although I do have my bad seasons, I've been more health focused in trying to get exercise in and taking days of rest to allow me to recharge. I don't have the zeal I used to and I try to get sleep when I can. I think I can focus a bit more on eating better but it's hard when you're being social, connecting with people and also when you're dating LOL.

5) Walk. Do I trust Him. Do I really trust with my whole heart? In some areas, I have slowly allowed me to take more and more control of my life these last few years. I don't know why it's so hard to let go and fall back in His arms with some things....

So does being older mean I'm wiser? I don't think so. Some things are healthier in me. Other areas have different types of battles. Some old insecurities are still there and some have been conquered. I do need to focus on giving God more though. I don't mean work harder for Him or do a certain amount of spiritual rituals more. I need to depend on Him and let Him pour into me; I need to allow myself to be loved by Him ...