I was talking to Miranda, Jon, Crystal and Karen during the lunch after the AGM and it was a neat conversation becuase I was told that I was seen as being pretty confident which took me by surprise because I know I have that side of me too, but I see the insecurities I have. Because I'm aware of them, I don't picture myself as being that confident as a person. Interesting. Well, I guess deep down, it's a bit of a relief becuase no one said I was cocky or arrogant and besides not showing ppl my insecurities, another great fear of mine is becoming so big-headed. Pride is one of those things where you lose sense of reality. I try to make sure I have a good head on my shoulders so I can properly evaluate myself. If I became prideful, I'd lose complete discernment in that and if I can't trust my own judgement, that'd be a scary thing.
Other fears? Hmmmm....how about finding your true love but never being able to spend the rest of your life with that person? I always talk about how Jeremy Camp lost his true love to cancer after only being married for a few months when their relationship was delayed so many times becuase God had other plans for them. What if that happened to me? Could I handle it?
I've seen a few things in my lifetime which have totally affected me in a terrible way and could affect my relationship in the future. For example, the fallout of my parents' marriage. What if I've been so conditioned to become the same way my parents were like in a relationship? What if I'm a part of this vicious cycle who is doomed to the same destiny?
What if the things I've seen or the things I've done ends up destroying everythiing I hold dear to me? There are consequences to EVERY action. What if I can't shake all that has bounded me due to my stupidity?
What if I can't survive as a teacher? What if I'm doomed to burn out?
I am definitley pretty hot-headed--am I doomed to being so easily angered?
Am I going to be able to pay off my loans? Am I ever going to get a car? House? Wedding?!?!?!
I told Miranda that her and Grace were a lot a like. She asked me, "If I'm like Grace, does that me you and Martin are alike?" WHAT IF I'M LIKE MARTIN?!?! SCARY!!! :P
Why am I writing all of this? Well I read a list of Crystal's accomplishments on her blog and now I kind of want to do a similar list of my fears. That way, I can show you all that I am confident but deep down, I'm just as insecure as any other person. And I guess I just want to show that with God, you can overcome these things day by day. It's a constant battle, but with God, you CAN win! Sure, we all have these things we fear. We could choose to let these things cause us constant pain and live a life being bound to these fears. We could choose to believe that we're the only ones who struggle with our insecurities. We could choose to put up a front...but it doesn't have to be that way. We have to remember that Jesus died for us to set us FREE. Despite our insecurities, we have to remember that God is still above our fears and when Christ died for us, he liberated from all--even our fears!
I was talking to one of my youth about her insecurities and I told her I had struggled with the same issues as her. She didn't believe me becuase she thought I was way too confident to have struggle with that. I realized that maybe I'm not being honest enough about who I am....it's so easy to fear showing weakness, especially to those whom I minister to but what's wrong with showing oursleves as being vulnerable? I think I need to show this side of myself more to be a more effective minister and to be a better friend because I want to be a bit more honest with who I am. I think me choosing to not show enough of my weaknesses may have been detremental to my effective ministry to that youth I was helping out. I couldn't identify with her becuase she didn't see how her and I paralleled each other. Well, here's hoping to being more honest and fear showing...maybe I'll have more opportunities with that youth later....I hope it's not too late.....
5 comments:
isnt it interesting how we try to put on a front so that people who need help will think that we are strong, so that we can help them with their problems... but little do they know we struggle with the same difficulties that they do... but in the end by helping each other we learn more about ourselves and we become stronger... we are only human right?
i know that you have these insecurities, but know that you will always have a friend like me to help you out if you ever need it. when ever you get bogged down by one thing, try to look at the bigger picture... as much as we want to control our lives, arent our lives supposed to be dedicated to God and whatever he wants, it is inevitable, in the end you will live in the perfect heaven then you will have no care in the world... haha i hope that made sense... :)
Good luck in trying to find a balance with that... that was what made me write that huge blog on how I've changed more than I should have... trying to find that balance of who you are deep inside and the front that you show those around you... it's going to be tough, but God bless you with that as you grow and you know we'll all be around to help you along the way. :P
I've always looked up to you as one who always had his feet planted right where they were meant to be. It's something I envy actually :)
Crys, it made sense in an unusual way! :)
Hey Geo, I haven't confessed I needed anyone's help to acheive any balances in my life...but I'll take any help you all are willing to offer! :) I mean, since you offfered and all haha....
Thanks Jonny, I've envied your riches and good looks! :) Well, riches in guitars and guitar playing skills....and for looks, everything but the hair! This from you all amazes me! :)
I envy all your envys. I think that all my envying combined is not as much as your envies. I wish I could have as much envies as all of you.
Post a Comment