Getting What I Want.....:D

I managed to go to Superstore with my bro this afternoon and I bought some stuff for people, myself and some groceries. It's a struggle this month for the family bills but I got to pay for the groceries for once... :) WOW...can't believe how much debt you can rack up on food expenses!

I think I've figured out what to do with the the youth in terms of gifts and such for Christmas. I haven't started getting it altogether because I'm procrastinating but at least most of my Christmas shopping is done. Just gotta start wrapping and card writing and all!

Yesterday was a day in which I actually got to do everything I wanted to do. First, I ended up watching The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe and it was a delight. Sorry Jonny, I couldn't hold out for you lol...I told you I was DYING to see it and I'm an impatient guy...:) I also got to watch the finale of Survivor with some of the church peeps instead of waiting to get home to watch it. If that happens, I'm usually thinking about the show no matter where I'm at...I'd need a REAL BIG DISTRACTION to get my mind off my shows. Well, I got what I wanted out of the day so strangely it was a productive relaxing day. :)



The Vow
by Kutless


Another year has come and gone but nothings changed
I've wasted another year doing the same old things
I want to break out of this and turn my life around
I'm going to make a vow to repent an turn to you.

[CHORUS:]
I'm crying out to you now as I make my new year's vow
I'll tell you I love you and I'll honor you somehow
Hear my promise to you in this new years vow I give
You all of me
You'll be all of my life and I'll never think twice to
do all that you have for me
In my new years vow

Lord I'll do my best to do, all that I say
I'm not perfect but I know, that's OK
If I stumble you won't condemn my shame
I'm going to make a vow to repent and turn to you

[CHORUS]

Its a new year this year is different
From the other ones... (repeat)

[CHORUS]







The above song speaks of what is so significant in my life right now. God's been really speaking to me about being a "dependent disciple"--someone who is open to God's leading, but takes his own initiatives in his walk towards holiness. As we take our own intiatives and walk, God will empower us. As we as farmers lay the seeds and water it, God will make it grow. There's a balance between acting on our own and relying on God at the same time to work in us. Often times I get fed up with issues and people that I pray "God, let me have your love for these things and these people becuase I can't deal with them." Really though, God wants ME to have my OWN love and take initiative with that....it is MYSELF that needs to love them and love the circumstances I'm in....I need to take action myself and not just let God do it through me as some passive bystander....how humbling this lesson has been for me. It's hard and I still find it difficult....but God's shown me I have to take some steps....I really don't want to go through the same loop I've been stuck in for the past 6 months-year. So much has happened to me and my heart has grown so hard is so many ways. It's always as John Rueben says a struggle of "The boy vs. The Cynic." There just seems like there are so many issues in life that I can't get through....sometimes I just want to explode or run away and get myself far away from the problems that so easy tangle me up inside. I'm so sick of fronting for everyone like everything is so fine and dandy and that my problems are so insignificant. It's funny how we can believe that our problems aren't anything but if we don't deal with them and bring them to the light, the pile just gets bigger and bigger and we find that our heart is weighed down.....what does it feel like to not have a heavy heart? I almost can't remember.....anyways, my vow is that the year 2006 will be a different one.....

Haha...with that in mind, don't get me wrong..I'm so blessed and I've got lots to be thankful for....I am not just someone who dwells on the negative...but despite them being in my life, I still got lots to be thankful for:

-The holiday I'm on. Man, the hard work has led me to a pit stop on this jouney called life and I'm taking advantage of this break baby!!!
-My friends who constantly stick by me despite my flaws....where would I be without a good and true friend to keep me in check on a regular basis?
-Salvation which will never leave me. Heaven-bounded with no detour baby!!!
-Her...who has stuck by me and shown me that even a guy like me could actually be capable of the emotion to which I never thought I could feel. Yup, it's crazy, but I've been shown that even I deserve some companionship and I never thought I'd find it....seriously!!!
-Family. Things will never be the same again...I really think this is the last year we'll all be living together.....(if not the second last year!! haha!!)...but despite how my bros have flaws, I can't say I would trade them for anything and we've had good times...a new chapter will begin soon. My parents aren't perfect...but what can I do? Their blood flaws through me and we're a part of each other. I love them no matter what. God had good in mind when I was born...even if there was a risky C-Section involved for me to have life.....here I am because of them!

Life is the most complicated thing but it's funny how at the same time, the goodness can be enjoyed despite that it exists with that which can bring us down....Hmmm...yeah, I can't believe it...what am I thinking...did I just type all of that or am I dreaming? Hmmm...how good one can feel after ranting and giving praise to Jesus for the blessings in my life.... :) Take it easy all; I know many of you have exams. God's blessings to you! PAYCE!